🎄 Merry Fucking Whatever — Holiday Tea Box

The holidays are magical.

The lights. The food. The traditions. The deeply unhinged family dynamics.

Merry Fucking Whatever is a collection of three loose-leaf herbal teas created for whatever version of holiday survival you happen to need.

Maybe you're one unsolicited opinion away from disappearing into the woods.

Maybe you've escaped to the porch to gather your strength before heading back into the chaos.

Or maybe you've mentally booked a one-way ticket to somewhere warm, poured yourself a drink, and decided you're going to have a good time.

Three teas. Three moods. One dysfunctional holiday gathering.

Each box includes three gift-size loose-leaf teas, each with its own personality, herbal blend, and optional adult enhancement for when keeping it innocent simply isn't enough.

🌲 Bitch, Breathe.

Mentally under the pines. Cool, clear & collected. Fine. Everyone can live.

The house is loud. Someone's arguing about politics, the kids have gone feral, and you're one unsolicited opinion away from losing your shit.

Bitch, Breathe. is your imaginary escape into the woods—cool, quiet, herbal, and grounding, with pine and peppermint bringing that unmistakable breath-of-fresh-air feeling.

The Good Stuff: Mullein • White Pine Needles • Skullcap • Peppermint • Juniper Berry

Keep it innocent: Steep it hot, breathe deeply, and remember that homicide would really ruin Christmas.

Things have escalated: Add peppermint schnapps and Spike Your Serenity.

🪑 Here We Fucking Go

Mentally out on the porch. Fueled up & fortified. Alright, bitches. Game on.

Grandma keeps commenting on your weight. Your brother showed up empty-handed with Tupperware to fill. Uncle Randy is drunk and apparently we're singing the national anthem before dinner now.

You don't necessarily want peace.

You need fortification.

Black tea brings the backbone, while lemon balm, tulsi, roasted dandelion, lemon peel, schisandra, and apple make this one warm, bright, earthy, and perfectly suited to a cold porch and five uninterrupted minutes before you have to go back in there.

The Good Stuff: Black Tea • Lemon Balm • Tulsi • Roasted Dandelion Root • Lemon Peel • Schisandra • Apple

Keep it innocent: Enjoy it hot or chilled over ice.

Things have escalated: Add bourbon. Adjust according to the severity of the situation. Godspeed.

🌴 Mom Thinks You're A Slut

Mentally on a beach. Barefoot & unbothered. Fuck it, let's have fun!

You're regretting not booking those tickets.

You'd much rather be somewhere warm with your toes in the sand than listening to somebody silently—or not so silently—judge your outfit, your choices, and probably your sex life.

So fuck it.

Bright hibiscus, lemongrass, lime, damiana, and butterfly pea flower make this the vibrant, tropical one of the bunch. Drink it hot, chill it over ice, or accept that you're already at the party and make the damn thing slutty.

The Good Stuff: Hibiscus • Lemongrass • Damiana • Lime Peel • Butterfly Pea Flower

Keep it innocent: Brew it strong, chill it, and pour it over ice for the full experience.

Make It Slutty: Mix equal parts tea and your favorite wine, add chopped fruit, and suddenly this family gathering has possibilities.

Inside your Merry Fucking Whatever box:

• One gift-sized pouch of Bitch, Breathe.

• One gift-sized pouch of Here We Fucking Go

• One gift-sized pouch of Mom Thinks You're A Slut

• Each pouch is resealable and includes full brewing instructions

• Packaged together in the kraft window gift box, tied and ready to gift

Gift it to your favorite holiday co-conspirator. Bring it to the family gathering. Keep the whole damn thing for yourself.

Because peace on Earth is a beautiful sentiment.

But sometimes you need tea and an escape plan. 😂